Overcoming the Advice Trap in Mentoring

Moving Beyond the Default to Advise in Mentorship

Effective mentorship is not defined by the wisdom you impart, but by the wisdom you help others discover. The common pitfall, often called the advice trap, occurs when a mentor’s instinct to provide solutions overrides the mentee’s need to develop their own judgment. Overcoming the advice trap in mentoring requires a deliberate shift from being the expert with all the answers to becoming a thinking partner who cultivates insight.

Michael Bungay Stanier defines this core shift as “staying curious a little longer and rushing to action and advice-giving a little more slowly.”

This approach transforms you into a coach-like mentor. You still possess valuable experience, but you deploy it strategically—after you’ve first helped the mentee explore their own perspective.

Recognize Your Internal "Advice Monster"

The impulse to advise is often driven by unconscious patterns. Stanier identifies three personas, or "Advice Monsters," that fuel this habit:

• Tell-It: This voice insists, "I must have the answer to prove my value."
• Save-It: This urge says, "I am responsible for fixing this person's problem."
• Control-It: This fear warns, "If I don't steer this, things will fall apart."

In mentoring, these monsters manifest clearly:

• Interrupting with "Here's what I would do..."
• Feeling uncomfortable with a mentee's struggle and rushing to rescue them.
• Redirecting the conversation to your own successful story.

Practice: After your next mentoring conversation, take two minutes to reflect:

• When did I feel the strongest urge to jump in with advice?
• Which Monster (Tell-It, Save-It, or Control-It) was most active?

Identify Your Personal Triggers

The urge to advise isn't constant; it's triggered by specific situations. Common mentoring triggers include:

• The mentee expresses frustration, anxiety, or seems "stuck."
• The topic lands squarely in your area of deep expertise.
• A moment of silence feels awkward, and you rush to fill it.
• Time feels limited, so you default to "efficient" solution-giving.

Mini-Experiment for Your Next Session:

1. Before you meet, write down: "My most likely trigger today is ______."
2. During the session, when you feel that trigger, consciously pause and ask one more question before saying anything else.

Implement a Question-First Sequence

Structure your response to problems with a simple, repeatable framework. When a mentee presents a challenge, follow this sequence:

1. Clarify the Real Challenge Start by helping them pinpoint the core issue. Avoid solving the first problem they mention.

   • “What’s the real challenge for you in this situation?”
   • “Of all the aspects you’ve described, which one feels most critical right now?”

2. Elicit Their Thinking Before sharing your ideas, mine their intellect and experience.

   • “What options have you already considered?”
   • “Imagine a future where this is solved. What did you do to get there?”
   • “What’s a tiny first step you could take?”

3. Support Ownership and Action Return the agency to them to decide and act.

   • “So, based on our talk, what’s your next move?”
   • “What, if any, support would be useful from me on this?”

Only after progressing through these steps should you consider offering your own advice—and even then, frame it as one possibility among many.

Sidestep Common "Foggy" Conversation Patterns

Some discussion habits keep conversations superficial and reinforce the advice trap. Be alert for these "Foggy-fiers":

• Popcorning: Jumping rapidly from one issue or idea to another without depth.
• Big-Picturing: Staying in abstract, philosophical talk that avoids concrete next steps.
• Yarning: Launching into long personal anecdotes that may not connect to the mentee's specific need.

To cut through the fog, use focusing questions:

• “If we could achieve one clear thing in this conversation, what should it be?”
• “What would a useful outcome look like for you today?”

How to Give Advice When It's Truly Needed

The goal is not to never give advice, but to break the default habit. When you decide your experience is relevant, offer it thoughtfully.

1. Ask for Permission This simple act respects the mentee's autonomy.

   • “I have a couple of ideas from my experience. Would it be helpful to hear them?”

2. Offer Possibilities, Not Prescriptions Present your advice as options to consider, not commands to follow.

   • “Here are two ways I’ve seen this approached. See if either sparks an idea for your context.”

3. Return the Focus to Them Immediately reconnect the advice to their ownership.

   • “How might you adapt any of that to fit your situation?”
   • “What parts of that feel applicable, and what parts don’t?”

Build Your New Habit with Small Experiments

Sustainable change happens through practice, not proclamation. Choose one of these experiments to run for your next 2-3 mentoring sessions:

• The One-More-Question Rule: Every time you feel the advice monster stir, you must ask one more genuine, open question before you say anything else.
• The First-Ten-Minute Ban: For the first ten minutes of any session, forbid yourself from giving any advice. Only ask questions and paraphrase what you hear.
• The Two-Ideas-First Rule: You cannot share your suggestions until the mentee has articulated at least two of their own potential ideas or solutions.

Track your progress: After each session, jot down brief notes:

• When did I successfully stay curious longer?
• When did I slip into telling? What was the trigger?

Set Clear Expectations with Your Mentee

Transparency accelerates the transition. Have a brief conversation early in the relationship to align on your approach.

• “My role is to help you build your own judgment. Sometimes that means I’ll ask more questions, and other times I’ll share direct experience. My aim is to support your thinking, not just give answers.”
• “If you ever feel I’m jumping too quickly to suggestions, please let me know. This is a partnership.”

This aligns with mentoring best practices that emphasize creating space for the mentee's own thinking over providing unsolicited solutions.

By integrating these strategies, you transform mentoring from a transactional exchange of advice into a developmental partnership that builds lasting capability and confidence.